11:36 a.m. - 2008-06-29
-
well, we did talk...and it was wonderful and then I emailed him the next day and i still haven't heard from him or have seen him online. can he not handle the fire? maybe it's just the weekend.

I think he's won this battle - the power struggle right now. it changes hands fluidly I think but he's really been turning it on the last couple weeks. i'm hurt, i wave the white flag

He told me why in our talk, so at least he gave me that. He's still sad that we can't be together (and I'm not?). So I know why he's being like this...and he knows I know but it's like he can't keep himself from playing the game, he has this twisted need to hurt me in the midst of this crazy love and we both just watch it helplessly, together.

11:24 a.m. - 2008-06-27
straight out of shakespeare, son
Latest lesson learned: If you feel like something is wrong, chances are that something IS wrong.

I don't know how many times I have to learn this lesson to believe it.

This whole tragic thing with him (if you've read all my previous posts) is now set on an even keel...because I'm not an oversensitive girl...it's because I'm corageous and honest. that's what I'll tell myself.

we talked on IM last night and it was ok, i wasn't giving fully because i was mad so it wasn't going *so* well. he ended up asking if I was ok and i said i think so and asked him if he was. then i was like WAIT, no, this is lame...I'm not ok and here's why. so we got into it and it was great and when we were done 2 or 3 hours later i couldn't sleep for another hour. here's some snapshots:

Him: You know that I still love you right? but it's just one of those things that I don't get to say a lot cause we don't have a boat (boat as in relationship)

Her: i know. and i love you too. which causes shit(classy)

Him: haha i like the anti-classy in you because it's always fashionably funny

Him: it made me sad to talk about you btw

Her: I get sad too. i could say i'm sorry, but that is obvious

Him: and i could say it's ok, but i doubt we both believe that
ya... when i talked about you and realized that I was still sad about it...that was despressing
so i broke up with her next day cause i freaked out

Her: and didn't talk to me?

Him: maybe that's why

Her: do you think we shoudln't talk?

Him: my choice is to suffer together about being apart
i care for you the way every girl i've dated has wanted me to care about them but i didn't

Her: I love you the way i should love him.

6:16 p.m. - 2008-06-25
maybe i'll send this to him
Hmm...I wonder how this would sound?

Dear You
I'm so frustrated with you I'm not totally sure why. Because you're distant and not there yet you respond like you don't know what I'm talking about or avoid it. Mostly I think that I'm frustrated because I am frustrated and I don't want to be or don't feel like I should be - and its lame that I am. I don't want to have these feelings because it means I need answers but I don't want to ask you - I don't want to rock the boat or annoy you. Does it annoy you? So, that's my way of asking you, what the fucks up son? tell me if i'm being oversensitive girl. if you say I am, though, I probably won't believe you...and then you'll have called me an oversensitive girl, which, you can't ever take back. and then our relationship with spiral from there - lower and lower into the depths of semantical confusion...sooo fix it now.

2:58 p.m. - 2008-06-25
dear you;
I want to tell him:

Listen, I may live my life...I may be having a blast and doing a lot of fun things and taking care of my good friendships. But when I go to sleep at night none of it matters. Because I am there, trying to fall asleep but I'm thinking about you - and the reason why none of it matters is because you're not there with me.
You may think that I just made my decision and that I don't look back...and that I've just left you to deal with your pieces. But I live with it too.
You are the last thing that I think about every night before I fall asleep.

9:25 p.m. - 2008-06-24
so i can be angry, darnit!
...So I emailed him and asked if he was avoiding me...if he decided to not talk to me again and forgot to tell me...or if he was working for the gov't and couldn't talk to civilians...ok so I tried to add a little light heartedness which is not what I am feeling.

he responded in confusion and said that he missed me too and wondered where I was.

he doesn't get it...i don't know what he's doing.

so now i'm left in this complete utter confusion about where we stand. he hasn't emailed since last night. i can't concentrate on anything besides what he may be thinking.

i emailed him back and said that his absense is weird so I was just wondering...

no response.

i'm not sure what to do or say anymore. I don't want to turn into this oversensitive "girl"...especially when I don't feel like I have the right to be upset about anything he does since I'm the married one and so the one that is causing him his pain.

but as fucked up as all of this is, I am still a person and him being this obviously distant w/o an explanation isn't fair to me.

-
so now it's like this...
think he's one of those guys that plays games, you know...to gauge others responses. I think because I've held back too much he can't handle not knowing how I feel. I mean we say it to eachother in small ways, but when i didn't respond to his breakup email (awhile back) he told me it was like a piece missing from the puzzle.

so now he has not been around on IM...he has not returned my texts and has only returned some of my emails. for about 2 weeks? We've talked maybe once or twice in that time frame. That's definitely not how we roll. that much lack of communication is bad sign.

I feel like he's pulling away to see how I respond.

I'm married. I don't feel right entangling him with my feelings and my emotions...even though I love him so incredibly much. How does he not know that I love him?

9:18 p.m. - 2008-06-24
the breakup
about a month after that, he "broke up" with me. how can you break up with a married girl? you can. imagine the turmoil involved in such a relationship. he said that he couldn't talk to me without being reminded of what he doesn't have and he can't handle it anymore. I understood and chose not to respond to the email. I was heartbroken. 2 weeks after that he texted to apologize and we were friends again. but our relationship forever changed after that. i walked on pins and needles around him, not wanting to make him upset and i let him come to me on his own terms if he wanted to talk. i didn't feel right revealing all of my feelings - i didn't want to make it worse.

so I guess I have held back a lot and maybe that's what is happening is happening now?

9:17 p.m. - 2008-06-24
it didn't feel wrong
we kissed.

9:13 p.m. - 2008-06-24
memories
We've been pretty much inseperable in heart since then. He is 10 hours driving away from me. The things he's said, the love he has shown me - what I've felt and what I've given all culminated when we finally decided to meet halfway - and it was amazing. We had known eachother for about 3 1/2 years at that point and had talked once...more than once a day. Meeting was effortless, it naturally turned into a date of the most magical proportions. Driving range, miniature golf, movie (to buffer feelings), sitting in a park all evening - enjoying eachother so much that at around 11pm we realized we hadn't eaten. So we went downtown and found a hot dog stand - ate our hotdogs while walking around downtown as a huge art opening gala was happening. beautifully dressed people were everywhere, lights, limos...all we saw was eachother.

6:30 p.m. - 2008-06-24
The email that changed my life...
I was sidelined...my life was sidelined. I never ever intended anything like this to happen - I used to feel sick at the thought of something like this. But here I am, 4 years later and still trying to figure it out.

4 year long story short...I was married, met a boy, and fell in love...yeah, in that order. Not the "aww he's cute" love...but the ever consuming, raging, passionate...only time we stop talked to eachother was to eat, sleep, or shower kind of love...oh yeah - and I met him online. I know, right? Why was I doing that after just getting married? So that I could take the cool quizzes the dating site offered!! I was living with my friend for a semester while I finshed school and my new husband moved to another state to pursue an awesome job. I don't know...so I put my in code email on there just for fun, to see if people would actually email. And then he did - and I was hooked with the very first email...

6:25 p.m. - 2008-06-24
why this
I wish there was a way to say everything I want to say, have the conversations I need to have, and then take it all back - erase it, but keep it at the same time. Y'know, all of the therapeutic benefits with none of the consequences? Too bad once it's out there it's ... well, out there - for every possible intent and purpose.

But there isn't, and for now, this is my way.

previous - next